Wednesday, May 22, 2019


The Feds are watching you everywhere you go, and the supermarket knows who you are when you walk through the door by scanning your eyes. Well, we are moving up a notch in technology to the spying toilet. Kohler is watching.

From now on, when you visit toilets in certain places, your will be scanned for your health as Big Brother checks out your butt. So far, they seem to have failed to include a way to actually identify you via your backside. But, I am sure the day will soon come when all of us will be required to have a bar code tattooed on our butt so the authorities can enter your scan into the national health data base.

Here is how it works. The scanning sensors in the toilet seat scan your blood pressure and other life threatening data as you toot and tiddle. This data is at once processed, and an expert doctor far away looks at your scores. Before you are done with the clean up, a voice comes over the speaker nearby and says.....

"Mr. Higgins, you have hemorrhoids, high blood pressure, and enlarged kidneys. You have only three months to live. Please contact your funeral home to make arrangements. And, by the way, a needy man with sclerosis of the liver will be contacting you to offer you a bid to buy your liver when you die. This message is from the United States Office of Butt Scans where we live by the motto, 'We never let anyone fall behind.'"

The only way to escape this destiny is to stand on the seat to do your business. This is common with Asians who are not used to sitting on a toilet. We may all want to learn their art of standing while defecating in order to remain anonymous to the spies below.

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