Friday, March 25, 2016

THE FBI......

The phone rings, and it is a local number.

There is a very official voice on he other end which goes like this:

"The FBI....." Now, right there my heart skips a beat. Are they going to tell me they finally found out that I made pineapple beer in boarding school when I was a kid, and without a liquor license?

"The FBI reports......" I knew it. They have told the local Sheriff about the pineapple brew, and this is the Sheriff's department telling me they want me for questioning.

"The FBI reports that there is a burglary....." HELP! I may not be in trouble myself, but they are going to tell me to stay indoors all day because some criminal is prowling around my neighborhood.

"The FBI reports that there is a burglary in your neighborhood....." I knew it. I go to the window and peek out. Maybe he is hiding in the woods. Is that a helicopter circling that I hear. No, it is the exhaust fan in the bathroom. But, this is really getting serious folks.

"The FBI reports that there is a burglary in your neighborhood every fifteen minutes." SCREAM!! There are only fifteen homes in our neighborhood. I work out the math, and this results in the terrifying statistic that this burglar is breaking into every home in our community six times a day. What is really frightening is that I never noticed.

The fearsome voice on the other end continues by telling me they will put a burglar alarm in my home for free if I will let them put up a tiny little sign, say about ten by six feet, in my front yard.

Well, I have a 45 caliber revolver loaded at all times with Personal Defense Rounds. And, we have a fence with barbed wire on the top all the way around the property. And, our gates are locked. I also already have a sign posted for burglars saying:

Trespassers will be shot.

Survivors will be shot again.

Now, I realize that this is probably woefully inadequate because some burglars are very brazen and bold and do not fear a Colt 45, although, I dare say, there are maybe only three of them in Texas.

You see, we have what is called the "Castle Domain Law" in Texas. This law permits me to shoot anyone inside my fence at night whom I did not send an official invitation to burgle me. 

During the day, we are a bit restricted. If the burglar inside the fence during the daylight finds himself without an invitation to be here, I am required to either restrain the man or let him climb the fence and go away.

If the burglar is new to Texas, and if he makes the mistake of trying to accost me in any way, I may then relieve myself of some of my lead to his benefit.

Because of this handy Texas law, there have been only 22 burglaries in Williamson Country where we live during this year so far. Given that our county's population is 198,000, this implies the terrifying possibility is that I have a one in 9090 chance of being burgled at any minute.

The officious voice told me that someone in my neighborhood was being burgled every 15 minutes, but the burglar doing these break in jobs is not giving us our money's worth. The map of burglaries in Williamson County shows no burglaries in our immediate neighborhood yet this year. 

Oh well, we can always count on Santa Clause.

I really need to change out my ammo. They tell me that it can get old and not fire properly, and I would not want to disappoint our industrious burglar by not giving him a proper Texas welcome when he finally gets around to my neighborhood.