Friday, September 29, 2017


My wife came into my office and pled with me to come help her. She had started extracting various contents from the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I finished extracting what she could not reach, and most of the items will be sent off the the Smithsonian Institute as heritage artifacts of American history. Some items are easily old enough to qualify I am sure.

Those items which survived are a bowl of jalapeno pickles, a jar of tiny squashes- pickled, a container of beet juice from pickled beets, a jar of Sangria Relish which is so ancient I have no background information on it. We shall be cheating and grabbing a lump of summer sausage from an upper shelf on which to spread the Sangria. I checked my Spanish to English dictionary, and Sangria means "bleeding." Please pray for us.

Also, one half onion was present, and a whole two pound brick of medium sharp cheddar cheese which, given the many months it remained buried in the frig, must be upgraded to extra extra extra sharp cheddar. Amazingly, the virulent Texas mold around here had not corrupted it, so we will savor it as a treat..... that is, if it does not escape.

There was a half quart of very well aged meat sauce sans pasta, a bottle of 200 proof Johnny Walker apple sauce, a full quart of coconut oil, and a jar of broth that must be completely dominated by ptomaine by now. There was also a bottle of Audiophiles tablets for digestion which will probably be needed if we eat this stuff. Finally, there was a bag of spinach which I estimate is from 2011. So, you can see that some of these treasures are edible, but which ones? We will work on the pickles and cheese and a couple of other items, at least giving them the taste test.

If you hear later that we both expired in ER in the night, you will know we passed on from Bottom Shelf Disease. Tomorrow night we go up to the second shelf of the frig. If any of these treasures seem collectible to you, please let me know, and we will ship them to you gladly. I recommend the jar of mystery stuff for your consideration.

We regret that we cannot send you the bottle of apple sauce because we would need a liquor tax license to ship it across state lines.

I am pleased to report that nothing exploded, so no one was injured in the extraction process.